Lol!

*The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant -- and let the air out of the tires.-Dorothy Parker

*Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?-Roseanne

*If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.-Nora Ephron

*There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep.-Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1: These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2: These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4: These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims. "I can hardly stand it."

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5: These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6: You are visitor number 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Meanwhile, across the street, a new Wives Store has recently opened.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.....

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!? AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE? IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!? IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

Pregnancy Q & A

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: If you're lucky, when the kids are in college.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.