The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1: These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2: These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4: These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims. "I can hardly stand it."

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5: These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6: You are visitor number 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Meanwhile, across the street, a new Wives Store has recently opened.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.....

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!? AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE? IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!? IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

Pregnancy Q & A

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: If you're lucky, when the kids are in college.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

LOL! This one is classic! I love what comes out of kids mouths!

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her student. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?!?!" the teacher yelled in shock. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

The Top 10 Things Your Doctor Won’t Tell You About Babies, Birthing, and all that jazz!

10. You will probably get very nauseated during the procedure and end up vomiting the ice chips they gave you to substitute as your food. Yum.

9. If you are keeping any secrets, they will quite possibly surface if your epidural wears off or you are doing a natural birth. Don’t invite anyone in the room that you’re hiding something from.

8. The first time you try to do anything at all–sneeze, move, roll over, or
even sit up straight, after the medication wears off is going to
show you that you had muscles you didn’t know existed...and they will hurt. Plus the added bonus of possibly peeing yourself everytime you sneeze lol.

7. When Your Milk comes in it’s going to feel like someone has placed
needles in your chest {which incidentally feel like they weigh 100 lbs.each and feel hard as rocks}. The whole stabbing feeling does go away eventually.

6. If you have any other children they will be thinking and behaving one of two ways:
“Oh no, what if something happens to mom?”
or “Mom’s going to be in the hospital–VACATION AND CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!”

5. You thought your hormones went nuts in the first trimester–HA!! Just wait!

4. Bring a backup take-home outfit. Your new little bundle of joy will
undoubtedly make a very large, messy diaper that will some how seep
through (or around the edges of the diaper) and get all over their clothes.

3. Your husband will like your new chest and jokingly offer to buy you one
just like it.

2. Pay very close attention to the “rules and regulations” of being in the hall
with your new little one. He/She is probably wearing an ankle bracelet that hasthe potential to set off alarms and lock down a whole hospital floor if you
come too close to an exit door or elevator…people don’t like it when you
do that.

1. The first time you hear your baby cry will be the most wonderful
moment in your life…there will be many great moments
after that, but none that make you feel the same way. Relief, Joy, Nervousness…all at once.

Lock that Door!!-A lesson learned the hard way.

When my older sons were about 2 &d 3, I really didn't worry about locking the bathroom door. It was like they had some super sensitive hearing and KNEW when that lock clicked. So I just didn't bother, until... One day I was in need of a feminine hygiene product. I unwrapped it and was just about to..."use" it when the door was flung open & my oldest asked: "MOM, WHY ARE YOU PUTTING THAT IN YOUR WIENIE!?!?!" I now lock the door!

-Lisa

Gotta Love the Innocence of children!!

4 year old kid named Joe is in the surgery’s waiting room with his mom when he sees a pregnant lady sitting on a bench on the opposite wall. Having nothing better to do, Joe saunters over to her and with wide eyes full of curiosity and asks “Why is your stomach so big?”

The lady calmly replies with a smile, “Because I’m having a baby.” With eyes as large as saucers, Joe asks, “Is the baby in your tummy?”

“She sure is,” replies the lady charmed by the little kid’s innocent question.

“Is it a good baby,” asks Joe with a puzzled look on his face.

“Oh, yes. I’m sure it’s a really good baby,” says the lady with good humor thinking how incredibly cute the little kid is and looking forward to what he might say next…

At this point much to her surprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, Joe asks, “Then why did you eat her?”

mom - isms --- things your mom always said
***and how many times a day do you find yourself using one of these expressions?

Take a moment to read most of these. LOL! I could totally pick out my mom :)
And I am now aware of how many of these I actually say. ENJOY!!

A little "birdy" told me!

Am I talking to a brick wall?

As long as you live under my roof, you follow my rules!

Close the door! Were you raised in a barn?!

Do you think I'm made of money?

Do you think your clothes are going to pick themselves up?

Are you digging for gold?!

Don't run in the house.

Don't sit too close to the television, it'll ruin your eyes.

Don't talk with your mouth full!

Don't walk away when I'm talking to you!

Eat your vegetables, they're good for you.

Go play outside!

How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tasted it?

I brought you into this world, and I can take you right back out!

I can't believe you can sleep in this filth!

I didn't ask who put it there, I said "Pick it up!"

I don't care what "everyone" is doing. I care what YOU are doing!

Because I said so!

I hope someday you have children just like you.

If God had wanted you to have holes in your ears (eyebrows, tongue, etc.) He would have put them there!

If it were a snake, it would have bitten you.

If you don't do it NOW, then when are you going to do it?

If you're too sick to go to school, you're too sick to play outside.

I'm going to skin you alive!

I'm not going to ask you again.

I'm not your Maid!

I'm not your waitress!

Isn't it past your bedtime?

It's not that I don't trust you, it's that I don't trust everyone else.

Life isn't fair.

Look at me when I'm talking to you.

Money does NOT grow on trees.

Over my dead body!

Put that down! You don't know where it's been!

Say that again and I'll wash your mouth out with soap.

Shut the door! I'm not heating (air conditioning) the entire neighborhood!

What did I say the FIRST time?

What if everyone jumped off a cliff? Would you do it, too?

What part of NO don't you understand?

When I was your age, I had to walk ten miles through the snow, uphill, by myself, to go to school.

When you have your own house then you can make the rules!

Who died and left you boss?

You can't find it? Well, if you'd put things where they belonged, you wouldn't have this problem.

You don't always get what you want. It's a hard lesson, but you might as well learn it now.

You'll understand when you're older.

A little soap & water never killed anybody.

Always wear clean underwear in case you get in an accident.

Are you going out dressed like that?

Are your legs broken? Get it yourself! I'm not your maid!

Do you live to annoy me?

Don't EVER let me catch you doing that again!

Don't make me come in there!

Don't stay up too late!

Go ask your father.

Go to your room and think about what you did!

How can you have nothing to wear? Your closet is FULL of clothes!

I don't buy snacks to feed the neighborhood!

I don't care who started it, I said stop!

I don't know is NOT an answer.

If I catch you doing that one more time, I'll...

If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

If you don't stop crying, I am going to give you something to cry about!

I'll treat you like an adult when you start acting like one.

I'm going to give you until the count of three...

I've had it up to here with you.

Leave your sister (brother) alone!

Never try on anyone else's glasses or you'll go blind.

Now, come back downstairs and go back up WITHOUT stomping your feet!

Now, say you're sorry...and MEAN it!

Running away? I'll help you pack.

What do you think, money grows on trees?

You can't judge a book by its cover.

You could have called.

You had better wipe that smile off your face before I smack it off you!

You should have that phone surgically implanted in your ear.

You WILL eat it, and you WILL like it!

You're going to put your eye out with that thing!

Your father is going to hear about this when HE gets home!

You're the oldest. You should know better.

I have eyes on the back of my head.

Slow down you drive like a bat out hell!

Funny Moms Stories #2:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clean clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An older couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh hey'd ever had!

***Since we could all use a laugh now and then, I have started this blog for fun :) I will post more stories everyday!! So kick back and laugh a little! ***

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


Funny Moms Stories #1:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.